wtf, death!?

did you know that sesame street debuted on my birthday, the year before i was born? that show was a big deal for my family. i have audio tapes of my dad coaching me to repeat things into the mic. he prompts:

“say ‘hi grandma.’ now say ‘i love you.’ don’t forget to say hi to grandpa. tell him to ‘send us cash.’ now what do you want to say to mr. hooper?”

my dad died two years ago today and i have to say, i don’t like it. i still feel like a part of my physical being has been severed and the empty space hurts really bad.

the worst part is the unsettling continuing shock. when it first happened, i was horrified of course, but there’s all of the in-the-moment stuff that you have to go through – travel, funeral, headstone… somehow, when all the tradition and ceremony ends, you know you’ve been through a hard time and there’s a finished feeling.

it was really then that the enormity of “forever” started to bitch slap me around, and it hasn’t stopped since. it’s funny to me that somewhere inside, i forgot that the funeral was only the end of the beginning of the loss of him. i still find myself thinking “wait… wait a second… you mean, NEVER?” and it aches deeper than anything i’ve ever felt.

mr. hooper died too, back in the day. here’s the clip of the cast explaining the permanence of death to big bird. it makes me sob, but it helps too. (btw, it starts with hilariously dated political chit chat between the adults.)

we both believed in “because” and finality, but he was a whimsical, imaginative guy. i used to archive some of the best emails i got from him. his death was a surprise, but coincidentally, this is the last email from him that i saved:

Considering where this nutty world is going, I have decided to come back in my next life as a Monarch butterfly, providing I can keep coming back each birth cycle. I will look beautiful. I will be able to travel. I love to fly and I will have many many good friends…we all will look the same so no one in our group will pick on us; what could be bad? Ok, I know I can get eaten by a big ass big bird etc or get caught by a stupid ass kid and put in a jar…

anyway, i miss him. thanks for listening.